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NAJEŽIT ĆETE SE

‘VIDITE LI DEMONE U MOJIM OČIMA?’: Mlada je majka ovaj selfie napravila samo par dana prije pokušaja samoubojstva

S tjeskobom i depresijom borila se još od djetinjstva

Za one koji su počinili samoubojstvo često se govori kako baš ničim nisu davali do znanja da pate te da su do samoga kraja izgledali sretno i neopterećeno. Još jedan dokaz u prilog činjenici da su mentalne bolesti obično duboko skrivene u najmračnijim kutcima ljudskoga uma te da nitko ne može znati kako se netko doista osjeća, priča je mlade majke dvoje djece iz Kanade.

Caitlin Fladager (23) iz Vancouvera ranije je ovoga mjeseca na Instagramu objavila divan selfie sa svojom djecom Arianom i Jackom. Na prvi je pogled ova fotografija samo još jedna lijepa obiteljska uspomena, no samo nekoliko dana poslije, ova je majka pokušala samoubojstvo.

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This picture of me with my children, was taken days before I tried to take my own life ⁣⁣ I’m so glad I failed. Your kids would never be better off without you, momma. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I’ve battled with depression and anxiety for most of my life, but last January is when the darkest corners of my mind, were starting to win. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I was not the best mom because of this. I was sleeping all day, letting the TV babysit my children, and snapping at them way too easily. I wasn’t the mom they had once known. I was morphing into a person I didn’t even recognize. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ One afternoon, while I was sleeping the day away, my five year old came in, looked at me, wearing the same clothes I had been wearing for the past week, knotted hair, medication bottles around me, and said “mommy, why do you always sleep so much” And walked away. It was that moment I realized, I wasn’t okay. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Then the ugly parts of my mind came into play. All I could hear in my head was a voice telling me I was a burden to my kids. I was a burden to everyone, and life would simply be easier for them without me in it. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ So, I decided my easiest way out would be swallowing a mix of pills I was prescribed. I remember crying, emptying the bottles on my bed sheet, googling how much to take, to not wake up again. But I didn’t want to die. I just wanted the pain I was feeling, to stop. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ As soon as I was about to scoop them all up and throw them back into my dry mouth, my mom knocked on my door. She opened it, looked on my bed, and started crying. She hugged me, and told me I needed help, and that I wasn’t a burden. That this wasn’t the way to fix things. We sat there hugging each other for awhile that day. I was reminded that I needed my mom. Just like my kids would need me. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ You can see the demons I was fighting, in this picture. You can see it under the layers of makeup. You can see it in my hollow eyes. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Almost one year later, I’m here. With my kids. Still fighting those voices in my head. Just not alone. I had to accept the help. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ It’s been a long, ugly journey. But I’m here. I’m fighting. ⁣⁣ Your kids need you, momma. You are not a burden. Your kids would never be better off without you.

A post shared by Caitlin Fladager (@caitlinfladager) on

Mislila je da će svima biti bolje bez nje

Caitlin je sa svojih 280.000 pratitelja na Instagramu nedugo zatim podijelila pravu pozadinu toga selfieja. “Ova je moja slika s djecom snimljena nekoliko dana prije nego što sam si pokušala oduzeti život. Toliko mi je drago što nisam uspjela. Vašoj djeci nikad neće biti bolje bez vas, drage mame”, napisala je mlada majka.

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It happened today. I saw my husband messaging a woman I didn’t recognize. ⁣ ⁣ He was taking a shower, after a long day with our kids. He also happened to leave his phone one the table. Unlocked. ⁣ ⁣ I never go on his phone, as I don’t feel the need to. We have been together for almost ten years, have two children together, and he has always been there for me, even at my absolute lowest. But for some reason, I felt compelled to look in his messages. ⁣ ⁣ I open it up and go to the only thread I care about. Mine, and his. I scroll up, hoping to see some cute old messages we had sent each other a few months back. I wanted to re- read them, to make me smile. But what I saw, made me want to cry. ⁣ ⁣ The woman he was texting, who I didn’t recognize, was me. It was a version of me, that I had forgotten about. It was me, but different. It was me, but the kind I had forced myself to forget about. It was the woman I had been trying to escape from, for years. ⁣ ⁣ As I read our old messages, I could feel the pain in my texts to him. I was talking about some pretty dark things. It was how I felt, a few months back. Life wasn’t on my side, and I was venting to him about it. ⁣ ⁣ This version of me, was not the best version. It was a very broken woman. A woman who had been through a lot of mental pain. I was talking in ways I don’t understand now. ⁣ ⁣ The woman I am now, is nothing like the woman I saw my husband messaging. I think that’s how you know you have grown. ⁣ ⁣ Depression can make you feel like you’re not getting any better, you’re not making any progress, or you’ll be stuck in that dark cloud forever. ⁣ ⁣ But when you find stuff like that, where you don’t even recognize the old you, that’s how you know you’re getting there. ⁣ ⁣ Little by little. Day by day. ⁣ ⁣ I saw my husband texting another woman today.⁣ ⁣ And I don’t recognize her at all. ⁣ ⁣ I’m so glad I don’t. ⁣

A post shared by Caitlin Fladager (@caitlinfladager) on

Caitlin je prvo dijete rodila sa samo 18 godina i dobila ga je sa svojom srednjoškolskom ljubavi Noom. S tjeskobom i depresijom borila se još od djetinjstva. “U siječnju su najmračniji kutci mojega uma počeli pobjeđivati”, priznala je.

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This is the face of anxiety. The bloody, scratched up face. If you think this is bad, you should see my scalp. ⁣ ⁣ Growing up with severe anxiety, was many things. And I’ve talked openly about my struggles with it. But one thing I’ve never showed, is how bad it really can look. ⁣ ⁣ Yes, anxiety can be hidden, and you may not be able to tell a person is suffering. But other times, like this, it shows it’s ugly head. All over my face. ⁣ ⁣ Anxiety makes me do things I don’t recognize. I pick my skin until it bleeds, I second guess if anyone actually wants to be around me, I constantly want to apologize about everything. It’s a forever battle in my mind, of caring too much, all of the damn time. ⁣ ⁣ For years, I would do things to ease my anxiety. I would try drinking, I would try medication, I would try meditating, basically anything that was shown to help improve anxiety. And while I have gotten significantly better at dealing with it, I still have my days. ⁣ ⁣ Anxiety for me, stems from a fear of not being able to escape spaces. I always need a way out, whether it be a room, or a plane. And if I don’t have a way out, I panic. I feel sick to my stomach, I run out of breathe, I cry even, and I pick my skin. ⁣ ⁣ This is the aftermath of yesterday, from me riding on a sky train. It was too tight, too cramped, and just too damn scary for me. I couldn’t get out, and that was the scariest thought to me. ⁣ ⁣ Anxiety can look like many different things, and many different faces. For me, it’s a bloody, scratched up face. ⁣ ⁣ It’s not easy to show this, but it’s real. ⁣ ⁣ This is me, the day after an anxiety attack. This is what it can look like. It’s not pretty, but it’s the truth. ⁣

A post shared by Caitlin Fladager (@caitlinfladager) on

Opisujući kako se počela pretvarati u osobu koju više nije mogla prepoznati, dodala je: “Spavala sam po cijele dane i puštala da televizija odgaja moju djecu. Nisam bila mama kakvu su poznavali”, prisjetila se Caitlin.

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I’m so tired of being told I “baby” my son. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Ever since I had him, he’s been a momma’s boy. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Now, with him being four, he gets hurt? He runs crying for mommy. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ He’s sick? He wants all the mom cuddles. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ He’s overtired and fighting his sleep? I’m climbing into bed with him until he calms down. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I’m constantly told I need to let him “be a man”. Or let him learn he can’t cry. Well, I’m here to tell you, that’s a load of shit. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ He will always be my baby. I will always validate his feelings. I will always kiss his boo – boos better. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I am teaching my kids that their feelings are important. That they can cry when they are upset. That they can call on me anytime, and I will come running with arms open. I’m teaching that to both my daughter and son. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ So, I will ignore your judgmental looks. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I will ignore you telling me I baby him too much. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I will ignore you telling me I need to “toughen him up.” ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ He is my child. He is not “weak” or less than for showing emotion and needing me. I am raising him to know men can cry too. Men can have needs too. Men can get overwhelmed too. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Maybe if tearful little boys were comforted instead of shamed, we wouldn’t have so many men struggling to emphasize with emotions. ⁣ ⁣⁣

A post shared by Caitlin Fladager (@caitlinfladager) on

Da je dotaknula dno, shvatila je kada joj je petogodišnja kći ušla u sobu i pitala “zašto ona uvijek toliko mnogo spava”. “Sve što sam mogla čuti u svojoj glavi bio je glas koji mi je govorio da sam samo smetnja svojoj djeci. Bila sam smetnja svima i njihovi bi životi bili puno lakši bez mene”, opisala je mlada majka svoje tadašnje mišljenje o sebi.

IZGUBILA JE BRAK, POSAO I KROV NAD GLAVOM: Ova se žena zbog depresije odlučila ubiti. Jedna misao promijenila je sve

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Emetophobia.⁣ ⁣ Emetophobia is a fear of vomiting. I suffer, and have since I was a little girl, from this. ⁣ ⁣ Now I know you’re thinking, why would you make a post on this? Well, because it’s my most feared thing. And I want to share that on my page. Yes, the thing that scares me more than anything, isn’t clowns, isn’t spiders, isn’t car accidents, or even death. It’s vomiting. ⁣ ⁣ This is a fear I’ve had my whole life. And it almost steered me away from having children. In fear that I would vomit during pregnancy, and even more scary to me, the fact that my kids themselves would eventually vomit. Even writing that word makes my stomach turn. ⁣ ⁣ It’s something I have yet to overcome and don’t think I ever will to be honest. ⁣ ⁣ Emetophobia makes me feel like an awful mom sometimes. My kids have thrown up, of course, and I have run away. Yelling for their dad to help them, as I physically can’t. ⁣ ⁣ I’m no help to them when they are sick. I can’t be around it, see it, hear it, or smell it. It causes me to go into a huge panic mode. ⁣ ⁣ It’s something I struggle with, while being a mother. ⁣ ⁣ I don’t look forward to the Christmas holidays, as I know that’s when they bring the most germs home, and they usually get sick. ⁣ ⁣ It takes the joy away from a lot of things, especially while being a mother. ⁣ ⁣ But the purpose of my page, is to show you that you’re not alone in the things you struggle with. ⁣ ⁣ Even if it’s the things no one ever talks about. ⁣ ⁣ Everyone has something they’re truly afraid of. Mine just happens to be vomiting. ⁣

A post shared by Caitlin Fladager (@caitlinfladager) on

‘Možete vidjeti demone u mojim očima’

Caitlin se odlučila na potez očajnika te odabrala najlakši način za rješavanje problema u svojoj glavi. Odlučila je popiti mješavinu tableta koje je pila na recept. Nasreću, njezina je majka ušla u sobu trenutak prije tragedije. “Sjedile smo i grlile jedna drugu neko vrijeme. To me podsjetilo da je meni potrebna moja majka baš kao što sam ja potrebna svojoj djeci”, rekla je.

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It’s okay, momma. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry on the floor, when it’s all just too much. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay to go for a walk when you feel yourself getting too worked up. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay when the little things overwhelm you, and you feel yourself wanting to scream, but you have nothing left. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay to look at your kids and remember the carefree life you had before, and miss it. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay turn the TV on and let it babysit your kids while you take a hot shower, to escape just for a little bit. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay to cry in the car on the way to take your kids to school. When the stress of it all catches up to you. ⁣ ⁣ Momma, it’s okay. ⁣ ⁣ Breathe. ⁣ ⁣ Let it out. ⁣ ⁣ Cry if you need to. ⁣ ⁣ You don’t need to be strong forever. ⁣ ⁣ You carry the weight of your family’s world on your shoulders. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay to admit sometimes it’s just too much for one person. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay to let it out, momma. ⁣ ⁣ It’s okay.

A post shared by Caitlin Fladager (@caitlinfladager) on

Potaknuvši pratitelje da pomnije analiziraju fotografiju, Caitlin je napisala: “Možete vidjeti demone s kojima sam se borila. Možete ih vidjeti ispod slojeva šminke. Možete ih vidjeti u mojim izgubljenim očima.”

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This picture of me with my children, was taken days before I tried to take my own life ⁣⁣ I’m so glad I failed. Your kids would never be better off without you, momma. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I’ve battled with depression and anxiety for most of my life, but last January is when the darkest corners of my mind, were starting to win. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ I was not the best mom because of this. I was sleeping all day, letting the TV babysit my children, and snapping at them way too easily. I wasn’t the mom they had once known. I was morphing into a person I didn’t even recognize. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ One afternoon, while I was sleeping the day away, my five year old came in, looked at me, wearing the same clothes I had been wearing for the past week, knotted hair, medication bottles around me, and said “mommy, why do you always sleep so much” And walked away. It was that moment I realized, I wasn’t okay. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Then the ugly parts of my mind came into play. All I could hear in my head was a voice telling me I was a burden to my kids. I was a burden to everyone, and life would simply be easier for them without me in it. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ So, I decided my easiest way out would be swallowing a mix of pills I was prescribed. I remember crying, emptying the bottles on my bed sheet, googling how much to take, to not wake up again. But I didn’t want to die. I just wanted the pain I was feeling, to stop. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ As soon as I was about to scoop them all up and throw them back into my dry mouth, my mom knocked on my door. She opened it, looked on my bed, and started crying. She hugged me, and told me I needed help, and that I wasn’t a burden. That this wasn’t the way to fix things. We sat there hugging each other for awhile that day. I was reminded that I needed my mom. Just like my kids would need me. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ You can see the demons I was fighting, in this picture. You can see it under the layers of makeup. You can see it in my hollow eyes. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ Almost one year later, I’m here. With my kids. Still fighting those voices in my head. Just not alone. I had to accept the help. ⁣⁣ ⁣⁣ It’s been a long, ugly journey. But I’m here. I’m fighting. ⁣⁣ Your kids need you, momma. You are not a burden. Your kids would never be better off without you.

A post shared by Caitlin Fladager (@caitlinfladager) on

Gotovo godinu dana nakon izbjegnute tragedije, ova majka zaključuje: “Ovdje sam, sa svojim klincima. Još uvijek se borim s tim glasovima u svojoj glavi, ali više nisam sama. Morala sam prihvatiti pomoć. Bilo je to dugo i ružno putovanje, ali tu sam. Borim se.”

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Sigh… let’s talk about the “flat tummy”, and all of those associated “rapid weight loss” products. That are “fixing” your bloat. Or “making” you lose 20 pounds in 10 days. ⁣ ⁣ Since my page has become more about mental health, and body positivity, I am ashamed to say I even posted for some of these companies. And I am here to apologize. ⁣ ⁣ What you can see in the pictures next to my not flat tummy at all (which I happen to LOVE), is just a couple of the many emails I receive. These emails I have featured, are from companies I have “worked” with. And to say I’m ashamed, is an understatement. But, I’m also glad I did, because I want to show you, what I don’t believe many other influences do. And that’s just how scripted these companies get. ⁣ ⁣ As you can see, I was told what to say about this product. Word for word. They even went as far to tell me how to pose, how to show off their “weight loss products. ⁣ ⁣ In some emails, I was even told that I don’t even need to try the products. That I can trust them to promote this to my audience. ⁣ ⁣ I want you to know, all of those weight loss things you see the Kardashian’s promote, and even when I use to, they are all scripted posts. ⁣And half the time, the people posting them, have never tried them. ⁣ No online “fat burning instant weight loss” shake, vitamin, gummy, sucker, or whatever it may be, is going to work. ⁣ ⁣ And on top of that, you do not need to “get rid of your bloat”. You do not need a “flatter” tummy. ⁣ ⁣ Rolls are beautiful, stretch marks are beautiful, bloat is beautiful and NORMAL. ⁣ ⁣ You are beautiful.⁣ ⁣ Don’t believe everything you see on Instagram.

A post shared by Caitlin Fladager (@caitlinfladager) on

Nimalo ne iznenađuje činjenica da je ova potresna ispovijest na Instagramu dotakla brojne ljude, koji su Caitlin zahvalili što je skupila hrabrosti podijeliti svoju borbu s njima. “Hvala ti što podsjećaš druge da nismo sami”, samo je jedan od komentara ispod objave.

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My whole life, no matter who I talk to, everybody has something they want to change about their bodies. ⁣ ⁣ Less rolls, less body hair, more butt, more boobs, smaller nose, smaller thighs, bigger eyes, or longer eyelashes. ⁣ ⁣ Whatever yours may be, your body is beautiful. ⁣ ⁣ And I know that sounds cliche. But think about it. We get one body. That’s it. This one you’re in right now. ⁣ ⁣ It carries you through out your whole life. It’s with you through all of the binge eating, through all of the random times you decide to go to the gym for a week. ⁣ ⁣ It carries and gives birth to another human being. ⁣ ⁣ It’s your body. And no matter what society has led you to believe, it is beautiful. ⁣ ⁣ Love your body, you only get one. ⁣ ⁣ “And I said to my body softly, ‘I want to be your friend.’ It took a long breath and replied, ‘I have been waiting my whole life for this.”

A post shared by Caitlin Fladager (@caitlinfladager) on

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